Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
