I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
two words...techno handjob
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
