You're my little dorito
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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