I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
