i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
