How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
