It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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