Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
