the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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