you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Randomize
