You don't have asthma, your pregnant
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
