roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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