All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
