You just made me feel so damn special
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
