You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
