is your mom at the bar?
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
