I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
