I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
