i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
