We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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