I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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