I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
