matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
