no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
The adults are the big ones right?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
