You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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