when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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