i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
