A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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