I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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