I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
