It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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