I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
