If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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