My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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