My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
