I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
