Your dad touched me again.
there's paper in my vomit.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
