4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
