Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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