The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
