Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Mom said you looked used
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
