Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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