it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
