just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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