i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
