I like my sex mixed with concussions.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
