my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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