I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
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