If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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