I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I love you.
Bad choice
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
