Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
