Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
