i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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