two words: eviction party
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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