In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Randomize
