Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
